"It sort of makes me mad when I hear people say, 'be yourself.' I am trying to be myself. But I need help figuring out what that looks like. It's like they think I should already know." -Sophia, 17

Sophia and I had just met. We were on a flight together, both working on our laptops, when we started talking about things we were writing. I took a chance and asked her if an article on "knowing who you are" would be helpful or interesting to her. She was sincere in saying that she was a little tired of always hearing the words "be yourself." She compared these words to rules coming from a nagging parent. "All right already, I know, 'be myself.' I get it."
 
She was looking for something helpful, something that would give her some clues on how to do that, not a constant reminder that it looks like you're not being yourself when you're trying to figure out who you are.

Before you can be yourself, you need to become yourself.
All of us begin this process in early adolescence. As our brains, bodies, and emotions develop we begin to discover what it means to be "me."

Talking to Sophia reminded me that she and others her age would welcome help in this area.

Who am I as a son, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, at school, at church, at home?

How do I figure out who I am when there are so many other things telling me who I should be?

Being yourself is not as easy as it sounds. It takes time and it involves many shaping influences.

Who or what has shaped you as you learn to "be yourself?"

"Talking to my club leaders or youth leaders, talking to my friends, and talking to my mom. I also just pray and ask God when I need help. My mom helps shape me the most." -Antiser, 12

"The situations I face in life. I figure out who I am by my first reactions. Some of the experiences are positive and help show me my talents and what I enjoy doing most. But some are negative, which allow me to see what I need to work on. Both help show me who I am and what I stand for. My family, Young Life leaders, sports coaches, and youth pastors have shaped me. Each one brings out and encourages a different side of me. My youth leaders influence my spiritual or personal life, while my sports coaches help with life values like discipline and responsibility." -Abbey, 16

"I think being around my friends and being at church helps me to know who I am. The way you act in front of anybody is another way to figure out who you are." -Aidan, 12

"The things that help me most when finding out who I am are: Strengths Finders, my Bible, and my parents. My parents are definitely the most shaping influence." -Quinton, 17

Be yourself.
It's probably the oldest piece of advice in the book, but there's a reason for that—it's important to find out who that person is!

When you hear these words, know that it is okay to not know exactly what that looks like yet. I'd like to translate that to encouraging you to not be afraid to ask hard questions, to think about your personality and the way God made you and wonder why, to dream with adults you trust about your future and what that might look like, to have the support of friends and family who trust God and have faith to believe that God isn't finished with any of us yet, giving you space to learn and grow right along with them.

Little by little, you'll discover who you are in Christ.

There's great freedom in the discovery. Don't give up. And if you need a little help along the way, here are a few things you can do to get started.

1. Make God's Word your "go-to" for advice. Use an app like YouVersion for your phone or computer and keep it with you wherever you go.
2. Look for an "in your face" friend, someone who cares a lot about you but who is also willing to speak words of truth to you. Give the person permission to tell you when they see you looking for meaning in the wrong places or mimicking something that is clearly not you.
3. Find an adult mentor, someone you look up to at church or at school and talk to them often.
4. Participate in activities and groups that highlight your normality but also challenge you to discover your gifts—church youth groups, scouting programs, charity leagues, and so on. These types of groups will also help you gain adult mentors.
5. Imagine and dream with your parents, mentors, and friends. Talk about what life would look like if you followed different paths.
6. LAUGH. We'll make some mistakes and interesting choices as we are sorting through who we are, but no matter what, choose to laugh through the good, bad, and occasionally embarrassing moments. It'll lift your mood and help others to be okay with the changes they are facing as well.

Brooklyn Lindsey is middle school pastor and Saturday Night campus pastor, with her husband, Coy, at Highland Park Church of the Nazarene in Lakeland, Florida.

Holiness Today, January/February 2012

Please note: This article was originally published in 2012. All facts, figures, and titles were accurate to the best of our knowledge at that time but may have since changed.