My husband, Tim, and I have been co-pastoring the church of our dreams for the last three years. But believe it or not, co-pastoring was not in our “life plan.” Early in our relationship we struggled with anxiety about the balance of our individual callings, and how life and ministry would unfold for each of us, together. In our early days of dating and marriage we had seen very few co-pastor models, and the models we had seen didn’t make us crave the opportunity.

Some might say that Tim and I are both “strong personalities,” which seems like a nice way of saying that we both are annoyingly extroverted and stubborn as all get out.

My pastor friends ask, “How can you work with another co-pastor?” My married friends ask, “How can you work with your spouse?”

But our days in education and preparation were humbling—deeply humbling. We no longer looked at ministry as a career path to pursue, but as a sacrifice of our lives and our life together. It changed everything.

We never put resumes out for co-pastoring. Somehow, when Bakersfield First Church of the Nazarene heard about us, they didn’t ask about “Tim” or “Shawna,” but “Tim and Shawna.” And with some divine intervention we stumbled into a wonderful “yes.”

Here are five things that have helped us survive and even thrive as co-pastors and as a couple.

1. Mutual Submission

The most frequent suspicion about co-pastoring is that “someone has to be in charge.” On which desk does the proverbial buck really stop?

Ephesians 5:21 has become an important verse for our ministry. Co-pastoring works because Jesus has charge over our church, life, and marriage. We submit to one another out of our love for Christ. Learning to co-pastor was not without great pain and grueling self-examination.

The false narrative that “someone has to be in charge” has infected far too many Christian marriages—and this narrative is simply not Christian. Christ is the head of a Christian marriage, and godly men and women happily and joyfully submit to one another in a love shaped on the cross to the glory of God the Father.

2. Advocate for One Another

We were only dating when the idea occurred to us that it might be difficult for both of us to pursue a calling to ministry.

Which one would get the job that moved us here or there? Would we take turns pursuing this calling? Would one of us be on the sidelines for a season?

Tim and I vowed that we would always advocate for the other. I would never push forward my desires, ambitions, or career. Instead, I would make it my primary task to promote Tim and encourage his aspirations and dreams. Tim would likewise not pursue his own desires or ambitions but be my advocate in ministry and life in every way possible.

Advocating for each other has been harder in some seasons than others. But we’ve learned the harder it is, the more necessary it is.

3. The Eight O’Clock Rule

When you work together, live together, and raise kids together, that’s an awful lot of together. As much as co-pastoring weaves something beautiful of church, life, and family, we’ve learned that there must be boundaries for each of these things.

We decided that after about eight at night it becomes really unhealthy to talk about anything relating to the church or ministry. It makes it hard for our brain to wind down from the day and can potentially stir up two tired pastors to bicker or stress.

4. One Office, Two Pastors, One Voice

When I say, “one office” I’m not talking about a room with a desk and some cabinets. Tim and I each have separate rooms we call offices and that is very helpful. I am talking about the office of the pastorate, the office responsible to shepherd and guide a congregation in Christlikeness. I do believe that in each congregation there is one office of pastor.

I have advocated for mutual submission under the Lordship of Jesus. These two points need not contradict, as the office of pastor is submissive to Christ and in that a servant leader. One office exists from which a local congregation receives a vision of kingdom life embodied in the context of a particular community and people. One office cares for and oversees the preaching and teaching of the Word and the administration of the sacraments.

But one office does not have to mean one pastor and one person. We are two pastors who share one office. So the vision we cast, the care we give and the oversight we administer is done in unison and partnership. We share all responsibilities that pertain to these ends. We divide up the responsibilities that do not.

We don’t always agree on everything and we often make mistakes. I’ll give someone an answer, not knowing that Tim had been asked first and given a different answer. We are careful to talk through most important matters before we are ever put on the spot. But there are still times when Tim says something in a board meeting and I disagree, or I make an announcement in church that makes him uncomfortable. When these things happen, we do not contradict one another. We speak with one voice. What he says, I say. What I say, he says too. Speaking with one voice takes a lot of trust in the Spirit.

5. Irreverently Holy Laughter

As hard as it can be to share the burden of pastoring with your spouse, we also share the great joys and, let’s be honest, the hilarity of church life. I have had run-ins with people—made in the image of God—that require some side-splitting laughter, alone in my prayer closet of course. I can’t share that moment with anyone in the church, except my co-pastor.

Yes, co-pastoring is hard work. It’s hard to constantly have to submit, and advocate, share, and talk through decisions. Then again, I’m not sure what kind of pastor I would be if I didn’t do those things.

So I am grateful for this opportunity we stumbled into together. We will keep stumbling forward after the Spirit’s leading.

Shawna Songer Gaines and her husband, Tim, were co-lead pastors at Bakersfield, California, First Church of the Nazarene from 2012-15. Recently they moved to Nashville where Tim teaches theology at Trevecca Nazarene University while Shawna continues preaching, and writing at: shawnasongergaines.com.

Please note: All facts, figures, and titles were accurate to the best of our knowledge at the time of original publication but may have since changed.