My Crossroad

I've heard that the most difficult Christian walk is that of the adult who grew up in the church. This truth is so pronounced in my own life that I hesitate even to discuss it, for fear that my own children may choose to follow my path. While teaching our children the ways of Jesus and helping them develop a personal relationship with Him is our first priority as parents, the danger of complacency is also real.

As a child, I had tremendous faith and felt the Holy Spirit's guidance daily. When people would ask me when I was saved I'd let them know, "I went to the altar in sixth grade, but I've known Jesus was with me for as long as I can remember." As long as I was in a Christian home, I was content. It wasn't until I went away to college that I began to falter.

We were required to attend chapel three days a week, but the "have to" mentality took over. Since it was no longer a choice but a mandate, I no longer wanted to go. My prayers became superficial, save for one. The prayer I distinctly remember is for the Lord to help me truly feel forgiven for something. You see, since I had all the answers, or so I thought, I didn't believe that I'd ever truly sinned. Since I hadn't sinned, what had He forgiven me for? I realize now that I was blinded by my own pride. This pride kept me from seeing how self-righteous and unloving I was. The belief that I could sin and come back to Him when I chose to led to years I now wish I could take back.

I try to warn my children of this danger.

It is so easy when we are young to think we "know it all," but we really do only see into the mirror dimly.

The Good News is that Jesus died for me, for my sins, for my selfishness. The Good News is that for 20 years He never left me. The Good News is that all the years my parents spent "training me in the way I should go" were not wasted. I was uncomfortable living with who I had become and I knew Who was missing. A little more than 10 years later, I was estranged from my husband and pregnant with the child of the boyfriend I had just left because he was an alcoholic. I had two very young girls from my marriage, no child support, and an income that amounted to less than my monthly rent.

The next step on my agenda involved the life of my unborn child. I hesitate to even use the word. Then someone, not a Christian, said to me, "There are some women who can do this and be okay. But I ask you to look at your heart because I don't believe you are one of those women. I believe it will destroy you." He was right and I believe now that Christian or not, Christ used him to reach me. I went home that night and prayed like I hadn't prayed in years. I asked for some other answer and pleaded with Jesus, claiming His promises to forgive. I felt God telling me that while He would forgive me, the road I was looking at was such that I would not be able to bring myself to ask Him for his forgiveness and I would never be able to forgive myself.

This was my crossroads and the time when I had to choose Him or sin. I chose life over death. Today, my only son is 10 years old. They have not been easy years, but as I watch him grow in his walk with Christ, I praise God that He gave me the strength to choose joy over misery. For I believe that once we know that Jesus is the way to truth and light, we cannot truly experience joy and peace without Him.

Please note: All facts, figures, and titles were accurate to the best of our knowledge at the time of original publication but may have since changed.