Congregations Are from Mars

"I hear that when you come together as a church, there are divisions among you, and to some extent I believe it" (1 Corinthians 11:18). Paul's first letter to the Corinthians gives the distinct impression that leaders and laity in the church of Corinth didn't like each other. You almost get the sense that Paul's not sure he likes them either. One of the verses from 1 Corinthians reads this way in The Message: "I am getting the picture that when you meet together it brings out your worst side instead of your best!" (11:17) This verse gives me comfort in an age when people in congregations seem to have an increasingly difficult time seeing eye to eye and connecting heart to heart. I'm reassured to know that many churches in the first century also had a tough go of it.

Conflict seems especially rife these days between congregations and their new pastors. To borrow the now famous idea from John Gray's book on relationships, it seems that in many cases the congregation is from Mars and their new pastor is from Venus.

In his book on marriage, Gray was trying to get men and women to truly understand one another in their seeming 'alien'-ation. Maybe part of the problem so many churches have after a pastoral transition is rooted in misunderstanding. How do pastors and laypeople misinterpret one another? What do pastors and their congregations need to know about each other in order to not only live together, but also love each other? I would like to suggest a few things that congregations and pastors tend to forget about one another.

Three Things Congregations Wish Their New Pastor Knew About Them:

1. This Church Has a History. In his book, Ministry Loves Company, John Galloway uses the metaphor of a family reunion to describe the sociological nature of the church. According to Galloway, pastors are not "the boss." They are "the facilitators at an extended family reunion in a family to which [they] do not belong." A new pastor becomes part of an enterprise with people who have well-cultivated idiosyncrasies of which he or she is not yet aware. "They are family; we [the pastor] are not," writes Galloway. "It does not matter how much we know. It does not matter how good we are. It does not matter if we attended a lecture that proved our way of doing it is right and their way of doing it is wrong. They are family; we are not. They have a long history with each other; we have just shown up." A wise and experienced pastor once gave me the best advice I've ever received: "In your first year at a new church, the most important thing you will do is nothing. Don't change anything. Just preach well, love the people, and listen to as many stories as you can."
    
2. You Aren't the Reason We Came Here. New pastors have to remember that the people who are already in the congregation when they arrive did not come to that church because of them. Some people may have come because of their friendship with the former pastor. In those cases, the new pastor may face a lengthy (and sometimes futile) process of being accepted as their shepherd. Most people come to a church for a list of reasons that have little to do with any senior pastor: ministry programs, the style of music, denominational allegiance, influence of a particular staff member, missions emphases, Sunday School, and other reasons. Every change including programming, staff, worship, or attitude will affect some segment of the congregation profoundly. That does not mean the pastor should not make changes (in the second year), but it does mean that he or she should communicate well, count the cost of the change, toughen up, and then communicate well again.
    
3. It is Nice to Have One Safe and Stable Place in Life. Change is the only cultural constant in the last century, and the speed of cultural change continues to accelerate. Some people and communities have not only adapted to change, but also live for change. Most communities—especially in non-metropolitan areas—not only struggle to change, but have been adversely affected by contemporary cultural shifts. In some places, the citizens don't believe life is better for them today than it was 50 years ago. Therefore, they will probably not see changes in the church as promising but as threatening. Again that doesn't mean pastors shouldn't make changes, but it does mean that change should take place carefully, prayerfully, and with love. Pastors must always remember that David had to fight in his own armor. Not everything that works in one place will be effective in another.

Three Things New Pastors Wish Their Congregations Knew About Them:

1. There is Tremendous Pressure to Grow. Every pastor knows the three main ways to get recognized with an award at district assembly: raise more money, bring in more people, or die trying. Every Sunday as I leave for lunch, I check the morning's attendance. I know there are more important things in ministry than numbers, but I also know that others will evaluate my ministry primarily by numbers.The pressure is not only inside the church but also outside of it. Pastors look at the rising number of mega churches in our world and wonder, "Why can't we do that?"
    
2. It Always Feels Personal. I have rarely received constructive criticism constructively. Everyone struggles with censure, but like few other occupations, pastoral ministry is not what a person does but who a person is. Every time a 'Friendship and Worship Card' marked with words that are not friendly or worshipful reaches my office, I take it personally. That doesn't mean members shouldn't try to constructively help their pastor when they feel truly led to do so-we all need to grow thicker skin. Pastors find it difficult to say, "It's not personal, it's business." For pastors, it's always personal.
    
3. We Need You to Care About the Unchurched. In my parents' long pastoral tenure and my short tenure as a pastor, I consider the greatest accomplishment to be when neighbors have become believers through our family's influence. As stressed as I become about attendance counts and tithe numbers, I ache for the unchurched. I love and treasure the people who are already part of the Body of Christ, but I yearn for the transformation and inclusion of people outside the church walls. I've seen that a few church folk share that same evangelistic zeal, but most do not. The hearts and minds of pastors and their congregations won't truly find harmony until both churches and their leaders believe that they primarily exist for the sake of those who have not yet arrived in the Christian family.

It is significant that perhaps the greatest words ever written about love are found in a letter filled with conflict.

In the midst of our struggles, we need to remember that love is patient and kind and works to truly understand.

At times, it can feel as though a congregation and its new pastor are from different planets, but "love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures every circumstance" (1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT). May we find God's life revealed in us as we learn to not only survive, but also to truly love one another.

T. Scott Daniels is pastor of Pasadena, California, First Church of the Nazarene.

Holiness Today, January/February 2006

Please note: This article was originally published in 2006. All facts, figures, and titles were accurate to the best of our knowledge at that time but may have since changed.