Some experiences, feelings, longings, and heartaches seem beyond words. Common phrases hurt more than help. Spouses whose partners die are widows or widowers. Children whose parents die are orphans. But how do we name those whose children, siblings, or closest friends have died? This is a "grief with no name."

How do we talk to bereaved parents, siblings, and friends?

Acknowledge the loss. 

In the film Moonlight Mile, Susan Sarandon and Dustin Hoffman play a couple whose daughter is murdered. Sarandon's character is especially testy. When asked why, she replies, "It angers me when they ask about her and it angers me when they don't! And that's the way it is, okay!" Prepare yourself for unexpected responses from your grieving friend. It may be a polite "thank you," a tearful outburst, or an angry retort.

Reframe questions.

"How are you?" may elicit "How do you think I am?" Try "What kind of day are you having?" Encourage grievers to talk or share your own memory about their loved one. Remember, willingness to listen helps more than you know.

Avoid stinging words.

Eliminate the word "closure" from your vocabulary. It suggests putting the death of a loved one behind and moving on with life. Living with loss is something that grievers get through, not over. "Acceptance," is a term that stings too. The death of a child, whether by slow illness or sudden accident, is not acceptable.

Another stinging word is "recovery," which suggests a resolution to child or sibling loss. Like a dissonant chord, the silence of an absent child will never be resolved. Instead there is a relentlessly present absence. "Acceptance, closure, and recovery" are words that sting.

Use soothing words.

Extend a hand, offer a warm embrace, or simply say, "I'm sorry." Don't say "I know how you feel" unless you've actually experienced a similar loss. Do pray. "As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you" (I Samuel 12:23).

Phil Pinckard is Director of Chaplaincy Services and Education at the Medical Center of South Arkansas in El Dorado, Arkansas. An elder in the Church of the Nazarene, he was endorsed as a healthcare chaplain in 1997. Married since 1976 to Jodie, they're parents of Heather and Mark (1984-2002), an organ, tissue, bone, cornea, and heart valve donor after his accidental death.

Holiness Today, January/February 2009 

Please note: This article was originally published in 2009. All facts, figures, and titles were accurate to the best of our knowledge at that time but may have since changed.