Dealing with Bullies
When I was a child, many things frightened me: junkyard dogs, lurking shadows in my bedroom at night, and most of all, big bullies. Those threatening guys at Walthall Elementary School, in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, stalked me and made my life miserable. Evidently my experience is not isolated.
Brenda High is founder of Bully Police-an organization dedicated to bullying prevention-and mother to Jared, who at age 13 committed suicide after being abused intensely by a bully. She estimates that each year millions of students are bullied. Many of these incidents result in damage far more intense than simple hair pulling and stolen lunch money.
Bullies' actions cause harm resulting in serious, long-term repercussions. Certainly all bullies are not young tormentors of kids on school playgrounds. Many bullies are adults who push people around in every venue: on jobs, at airline counters, and freeways. And to the surprise and consternation of many, bullies even lurk around churches and Christian organizations.
Church: How Do We Envision It?
Many of us picture church as a hospital, where broken people converge for healing. Others prefer to see it as an oasis, offering to slake the thirst of those who are spiritually dehydrated from traveling life's barren deserts. Employees in a Christian organization-university, church office, or non-profit group-may well assume that they will be helping a lost world while they enjoy camaraderie with other people of faith. These images are valid and helpful. But, unfortunately, another less positive metaphor too often captures the reality of church life and that of the Christian workplace: a battlefield filled with combatants engaged in furious (though often subtle) warfare. And bullies lead the charge.
Few of us are surprised that we frequently encounter bullies beyond the church walls. We realize that, out there, brutal power moves are the order of the day. We expect the unredeemed to stop at nothing to gain advantage, even preying on the helpless and disenfranchised, such as children, senior citizens, and the homeless. But to encounter such folks using strong-arm (and subtle, manipulative) tactics under stained-glass windows (often with a smile) can cause a seismic jolt to our hearts.
We wonder why bullies haven't grasped biblical teaching such as Paul shared with the Ephesians: "[l]ive a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:1-2, NIV). How could followers of Jesus-who taught and modeled respect, compassion and self-giving love-resort to such despicable behavior? We ponder why they've even been tolerated, considering the damage they leave in their wakes. Why do other Christians, well aware of these intimidating control freaks and their victims, become tongue-tied bystanders who are unwilling to confront these people in their tracks? We're especially puzzled and devastated when we discover that they are our leaders, bosses, board members, and coworkers.
What Makes the Bully Tick?
According to Barbara Coloroso in her book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, bullying occurs in situations of power imbalance. Feeling superior in strength, bullies seek to injure their target, and they tend to repeat and intensify this behavior. Furthermore, they manifest three attitudes that allow them to inflict harm without feeling the slightest empathy or shame. These are:
- Cavalier exclusion of people deemed unworthy of respect
- Intolerance for individual differences
- A sense of entitlement-including the right to dominate others.
To my regret, like many of you, I've crossed pathways, and even locked horns, with such bullies. I have found them to resemble the profile that Barbara Coloroso has outlined. They seem to feel that the more mayhem they cause, the better, even if it means destroying believers' faith and ripping the very fabric of churches to shreds.
One bully who remains indelibly etched in my memory was an elderly woman, whose husband was the church's highest donor-and she relished "rubbing everyone's nose" in that fact. The implication? This church would surely go under without her husband's sizable contributions, and as his spokesperson, she was entitled to clout! Mrs. L. went about maliciously gossiping, putting down church leaders, starting boisterous shout-downs, and uttering "don't-ever-cross-me" threats. Even as a kid, I was intrigued that she interspersed these intimidating antics with profuse apologies-evidently to keep everyone off guard. She reached her ultimate goal of keeping the church in a perpetual tizzy, which negated growth.
I recall one Sunday evening service at which time the church hosted singers from the denomination's closest college. Old "killjoy" saw her opportunity to bully everyone simultaneously. Just before dismissal, and without invitation, she walked to the front of the sanctuary and began to rant. Mostly, it was a list of relentless grievances she directed toward the minister. People sat galvanized, staring straight ahead, in excruciating silence. Visitors were blown away, members wanted to hide under their pews.
Was there a deep, long-term effect? Unfortunately, yes. After that traumatic evening, numbers thinned and morale waned. Oh yes, the woman profusely and repeatedly apologized later. She kept saying: "I just don't know what got into me."
Bullies aren't to be taken lightly. But just how should we best respond to them when they viciously strike at individuals or in group settings? What survival skills are effective and biblically sound?
Keeping Bullies at Bay
First, we must realize that peacemaking does not imply cowardice in the face of outright attack. Granted, a time exists to "turn the other cheek," but not when bullies are inflicting casualties on innocent victims within God's church and the broader faith community.
Believers must stand up to bullies firmly, yet lovingly.
Typically, bullies want to be liked. If they detect consensus going against them, they'll often cease their hostility.
Secondly, we must have a concerted effort to bind the wounds of bullies' victims. Rather than an "I'm-glad-they-didn't-target-me" sigh of relief, parishioners and coworkers can offer compassion to help and defend the injured, seeking to restore their spirits. That response alone can thwart further attacks. The sense that the victim is not flying solo in the aftermath of the "attack" gives that individual a sense of security.
Does a sure-fire method exist to make bullies reform, quell their attacks, or simply go away? Unfortunately not. But, as God's faithful stewards, we need not acquiesce to become their helpless victims. Furthermore, coping successfully does not mean we need to depend on unchristian counterattacks. Best of all, we can assuredly rely on God's faithful Spirit to lead us triumphantly forward.
Jon Johnston is professor of sociology and anthropology at Pepperdine University and chair of the Association of Nazarene Sociologists and Researchers.
Please note: All facts, figures, and titles were accurate to the best of our knowledge at the time of original publication but may have since changed.
