Trading Places
"Our viewers want to know the most important thing they can do for their relationships," the producer told us. We were sitting in plush leather chairs, sipping bottled water out of straws in the green room of the famous Harpo Studios in Chicago. "Oprah is likely to ask you," the producer continued, "if you could only give one suggestion for improving relationships, what would it be?"
We didn't have to think twice. In fact, it wasn't the first time we'd been asked. We hear this question a lot. In nearly every interview we do that question is predictable.
When it comes to that crucial component in a successful relationship—whether at work, with family or on the church board—there's no need to guess. We stand on a mountain of research when we tell you the answer. In a word, it's empathy. It's putting yourself in another's shoes. It's trading places.
Let's not kid anyone. Empathy is not always easy. That's why we've written an entire book on the subject. But empathy can be easier than you think. In fact, it can become downright habit forming. The catch? Empathy can never do its invaluable work unless it's predicated on emotional self-awareness.
The Prerequisite of Trading Places
In 1990, Yale psychologist Peter Salovey coined the phrase 'emotional intelligence' to describe qualities that bring human interactions to their peak of performance. Harvard psychologist Daniel Goleman brought the phrase into the national conversation with his groundbreaking book on the subject. He calls empathy our 'social radar' and believes, at the very least, empathy enables us to read another's emotions. And at the highest levels, empathy understands the concerns that lie behind the person's feelings. But it's all predicated on being aware of what we are feeling at a given moment.
In other words, the key to identifying and understanding another person's emotional terrain, experts agree, is an intimate familiarity with your own.
Trading places demands that we put aside our own emotional agenda for the time being to clearly receive the other person's signals.
The point is that if we don't know what we are feeling, we can't set our own emotions aside—temporarily—to enter the emotional world of another person. That's why emotional self-awareness is the prerequisite for trading places. It is essential. But when you harness the power of trading places, you will enjoy a connection with people like you never have before.
Trading Places Works Fast
Some people argue that empathy takes too much time and effort. We couldn't disagree more. Empathy is the fastest way to make progress in a relationship. It saves untold time in moving past difficulties.
Think of any convoluted conversation you've ever had. Perhaps it involved misread motivations concerning a joke in front of friends. Or maybe it was a lack of appreciation that caused you to clam up. Whatever the problem, wouldn't you like a way to make it immediately disappear? Wouldn't you like a magic button that would suddenly make things better? Sure. Who wouldn't? Well, that's what trading places can do.
It's quick.
Trading places does not require a long, drawn-out conversation to get things back on track. It can literally happen in an instant. For example, we recently had a conversation that became increasingly heated. It involved what to serve for a dinner party we were hosting in our home.
"You can just do enchiladas," Les asserted. "People love those."
"I'm not serving enchiladas," I protested. "These people are expecting a nice dinner."
"Well, then I don't know what to say," Les shrugged and left the room.
"Where are you going?" I shouted.
"I've got ice cream out on the counter in the kitchen," he hollered back.
I followed him into the kitchen and he could feel me gearing up for a hard-headed discourse on why enchiladas were not appropriate for the party and how he needed to be invested in this event as much as me.
Before we made it to the softening ice cream, Les turned to me, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Help me see this from your side."
That's all it took. In less than a minute I told him how I had a limited amount of time to choose a menu, make the food, get the house ready, arrange for child care, prep our second grader for a spelling test, take my mom to a doctor's appointment, and so on.
"No wonder you're feeling frazzled," Les confessed. "I didn't realize you had all that on your plate."
That was it. In a moment's time, Les suddenly saw my world from my perspective, and the tension melted long before his ice cream. He offered to take a few of my tasks and we moved forward. The point is that without trading places, our enchilada exchange would have evolved into an emotional and time-consuming upheaval that neither of us wanted.
You get the point. Nothing works faster than trading places.
Think about it:
When you trade places with another person, you'll achieve:
- A reduction in critical comments
- The elimination of nagging
- A sure way to short-circuit conflict
- A means to becoming better friends
- A sure way to give and get grace from each other
Les and Leslie Parrott are founders of RealRelationships.com and co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their books include Love Talk, Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts, and Trading Places.
Holiness Today, July/August 2010
Please note: This article was originally published in 2010. All facts, figures, and titles were accurate to the best of our knowledge at that time but may have since changed.
